Robin McLean - FISH OBITUARIES (RESURRECTED)

FAIRBANKS CHIMES IN

September 9, 2014

Harvest Moon Making Trouble

A long awaited post from Original Fish Obits editor Margaret Eagleton, a librarian in Fairbanks, Alaska, (yes, some knew Sarah Palin when she was banning books) concerning Adoptions, Renewals, Lost, Found and Damaged Objects, Crank Calls, Starvation, Stand-offs, Lock-downs, Meeting Etiquette, Sudden Blindness and Full Moons.

At work today nearly every odd thing one can imagine walked in the door. Adopt-an-author payment, non-resident card renewal, partial payment on a bill, damaged item payment, lost item payment, a couple of Spanish speakers trying to get a new card with an address problem, a guy who left his cell phone somewhere and he kept borrowing the phone calling it only to find that it went straight to voice mail Read More

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REPTILES IN SPACE #1

September 9, 2014

REPTILES IN FLIGHT: "All geckos, unfortunately, died." -- Roscosmos, Russian Space Agency

An Open Letter responding to The Devil Talks Back by Fish Obits' Russian Correspondent, Kate C, the concerning Geckos in Orbit, Sex and Death in the Name of Google Ratings, Principles on a Sliding Scale, Inertia, Invasion, and Responsibility to Expose the Horrors.

Dear Mr. S.,

I really feel that you and I can talk openly. I know Robin is having this whole internal conflict over Google Analytics and pandering to improve her blog ratings but I am totally on board with YOUR way of thinking. More sex and death is just what Doctor Google ordered. And when you add geckos in outer space and you have yourself a rocket ship to the top of the ratings heap. Read More

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INANIMATE OBIT #1/ THE CANE / YOUNG TALENT

September 8, 2014

Where could it be? Photo by Michael Carolan

The first in a Series of Young Genius Posts, this one by Sophie M/C concerning Impersonation of the Elderly, Lost and Found Objects, Blabber-mouth Sisters, Grief, Apologies, as wells as The Omnipresence of Death, and Looking Toward the Future.

This summer when I went to New Hampshire I had my uncle widdle me a cane. My cousin Johnathan and I played old people together. He’d say things like “Margret, have you been snack’n on them grahm crackers again?” And then I’d say stuff like “I’ve gotta run to the store and get some of them painkillers.” We had so much fun together. I took my little cane everywhere I went. Read More

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RUN RUN RUN / BAD DOG #151

September 6, 2014

RONNY before he turned BAD. Photo by Rob McLean

A random selection from the deluge of BAD DOG stories that have been pouring onto the Fish Obits desk, this one by Cousin Rob , a frequent and vital editor/contributor with a European perspective, concerning The Persistent Desire to Roam Free, the Persistent Desire to Prevent Others from Exercising the Persistent Desire, Missions Accomplished, DNA, Denial as to Rabbits, and Corn Fields.

My dog's name (until further notice) is Ronny. He's a year old now. He's really fast. By “really fast”, what I mean to say is that I can't bike faster than he can run. By “I can't bike faster than he can run” what I mean to say is that I can't do it safely. He is a herding dog (Australian shepherd) and apparently, 86% of their DNA is focused on Not Allowing Breakaways. In other words, their goal in life is to smother the Persistent Desire to Roam Free. This includes bikes that have their owners on it. Read More

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ARREST IN THE MID-WEST / CANINE CRIME #1

September 4, 2014

PEACE OFFICERS

The First in a Series of arrest posts, this one reported by Guest blogger John McLean concerning Bad Dogs, Hard-to-Read Pet Identification Tags, Officer Friendly, Leniency, the Futility of Incarceration, and the Persistent Desire to Roam Free.

Police report Peoria Ill afternoon 3 Sept 14 Call comes in "This the Peoria Police Dept calling asking you if you have a dog named "Colby." Yes I say why do you ask? Well, replies the officer, because he is "under arrest." What are you talking about I reply. Well, he says we just picked him Read More

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CRIME STORY #1 / CRIME PAYS / ESCAPE FROM CERTAIN DEATH

September 3, 2014

Midnight on Leash

The First in a Series of Crime Stories by secret guest blogger, Kate C (Advocate of Cats in the Blogosphere who is till looking for the perfect pen-name) concerning Statutes of Limitations, Crime and its affect on Cat Longevity, Perils of Vermont, Glasscutters, Early-morning Crimes of Necessity, and Occasional Happy Endings.

Dear Robin,
I can only speak to you about this matter openly because the statute of limitations has passed. I don’t want you to leave you with the impression that all the cats in my life have died prematurely. Young Skinny Cat, for example, was once an unwitting participant in a crime of passion, but she recovered nicely and went on to live a full cat life, unlike her poor brother Fat Cat.

We were on one of many family road trips; heading for a week-long confab with our cousins in Southern Vermont. I was 14. Normal people bring their dogs with them on vacation. Read More

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SATAN'S SECRETS #666/ A PERSUASION

September 2, 2014

LUCIFER in FLIGHT

A Blogus Interruptus by Satan's Secrets blogger, Mr. S, on Fish Pleasure, Last Wishes, Google Analytics, Sarah Palin, Buddhism and Acceptance of the Omnipresence of Death.

Dear Friends,

What all the fuss about the Fish Whoosher? Please people, pick your battles. The Fish Whoosher is one of my best ideas. I love fish. I love sea creatures generally. And don't Fish really love water? Doesn't everyone like a Free Ride? Get a little empathy, people. All you guys need to open your minds.

But what I really want to talk about is PLEASURE. Read More

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FISH WHOOSHER /PROVOKING FISH VIDEO LINK #1

September 1, 2014

FISH IN THE MACHINE

This just in from Novelist, Kara Lindstrom, a Video on Innovations in Fish Transport, Water Slides to Spawning and/or Slaughter, Modern Technology as Savior and Satan, or as Kara says, "Disaster is the Mother of Invention." This Fish Obit speaks for itself.

LINK TO WHOOSHER VIDEO

LINK TO WHOOSHER ARTICLE

Good thing? Bad thing? Please comment. Let's converse. In the meantime: Read More

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Sep 02, 2014 4:22 AM EDT

Dear Kara and Robin,

As I crane my head to see soaring egrets tote fish plucked from the nearby bay in their greedy talons, I wonder: what does it all mean? why are we here? can we have some?

Volitional entry. You know it's only a matter of time before someone figures out a way to shove a cat through that device. Then the fur will fly.

Concernedly yours,

Whisper

PS Since Kisu is mostly blind she's only heard my accounts of the egret/flying fish combo. I dare not describe the Woosher. Besides, we're already traumatized by the vacuum cleaner.

- Whisper

Sep 02, 2014 10:19 AM EDT

Everyone,

Whisper meant to type osprey, not egret. Furthermore, he and I don't really like eating fish. Also, I'm not so much traumatized by the vacuum cleaner as I am careful.

I see more than he knows.

PS Great post, Kara. My humans have spent many summer months in the Columbia Gorge and are always glad to know when the fish are finally getting a break.

- Kisu

Sep 02, 2014 3:10 PM EDT

Kisu and Whisper make good points. First tilapia, then steelhead, what's to stop these madmen with salmon? What's next? "Volitional entry," "High throughput"? Dams kill f ish. There's no getting around it.

- Timothy Sutton

Sep 02, 2014 8:56 PM EDT

Kisu and Whisper,

This is Pearl. I just wanted to let you know I don't know the difference between Osprey and Egrets. Fish are all the same to me. I just don't get how they were flying???? Weird.

I also wanted to let you know that I am not "afraid" of the vacuum cleaner. I am only "suspicious" of it.

Also, I know about this "volitional entry" thing. That's what my mom thinks I'm going to do on this supposed roadtrip. All I can say is "we'll see" and "I'll keep you posted."

Sincerely,

- PEARL

Sep 03, 2014 1:34 AM EDT

To me, this seems a logical and complete extension of water-park thought (a vast research field that includes waves, points, space and nodes). I would willingly put myself into Whoosh space if it meant I'd no longer have to suffer economy class flights.

- Kara

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BACKSEAT DISPATCH: WiFi AT 60 MILES PER HOUR

August 31, 2014

Illinois? Indiana? Iowa? Kansas? Nebraska?

The First in a Series of Road Trip posts, warm up for the Sidewind Across America Tour , this one with Mac and Cindy in Indiana, concerning Clear Vision, Drifts toward Ditches, Perils of Vitamins, Abundance and Bad Seed, Inter-state Rivalry, the Miracle of Going Home.

Cindy: Hey, watch it! The ditch!

Mac: It's just the rumble strip.

Cindy: Ok, but you're driving.

Mac: I'm just trying to fix these sunglasses, Cindy. I sat on them, God-damn it. Kim's Christmas present.

Cindy: It's not even sunny out. Read More

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SASHA: TUMBLE DRY KITTY / CAT OBIT #1

August 27, 2014

Poor Poor Sasha

The First in a Series of Cat Obits by Secret Guest Blogger, Kate C (who is looking for a scintillating pen name) concerning Inner Turmoil, Procrastination, Feline Under-Representation in the Blogosphere, Barn Yard Hanky-Panky, the Omnipresence of Death, and the Perils of Napping in Laundry.

Hi Robin,
We met during your second class on blogging (my first) at Grub Street and I understand that you are conflicted about blogging; I am here to support you in any way I can. I too have reservations about this whole thing so I thought I’d take you up on your kind invitation be a guest on your blog page so I can continue to engage with my inner turmoil a little longer; but even more importantly, so I can put off learning the actual mechanics of setting up my own blog for at least another week. But once I create one I will be totally asking you to add a link to my new blog page to this post.

So anyway, after reading your blog and ruminating about it, what I have concluded is that you need more posts about cats. Read More

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